I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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