I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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