I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
