the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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