Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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