I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
time to smoke my breakfast
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize