Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
