fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
