I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
