The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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