I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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