We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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