I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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