It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
