took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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