If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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