I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
