Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
