so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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