I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Rumble strips road head = magical
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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