Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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