Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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