I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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