I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
