i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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