I met the friendliest cop last night
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
