I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
