Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We left the knife in your bed.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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