I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
