Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
