He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
