Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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