Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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