please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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