how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
