Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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