dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
