The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
