On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
