Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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