i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
