I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
