i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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