Hippo gnu deer
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I want to be your penis for a week.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
