oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
