Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
you made out with another girl for some wings
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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