I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
