i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
