I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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