No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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