Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize