Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
