i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
